If anything typifies the word, unpredictability, it is
recent political developments in Ghana. It can be likened to a 4x100 or 4x400
meter athletic relay race. You got be on tenterhooks till the very end. Always
full of twists and turns, anyone can pull a surprise and you cannot predict
when and how. Those are the best moments in every spectator’s life. I certainly
cannot forget a similar experience at the Baba Yara Sports Stadium in 2008, but
the details of that is for another time.
I love my Ghana. We are the most humorous people I find on
earth, trying to make jokes out of every situation. You shouldn’t be surprised
therefore that we enjoy such peace and tranquility. One of the interesting
issues that have dominated our national discourse of late is the issue of the
Johns. Abeg, na John be just a name na! (Don’t mind my adulterated Naija
Pidgin). I remember when I was growing up, at Atwedie, the young boys used to
use the name John as an insult. Did I see that look on your face? Surprised
huh? Oh yes! You heard me right. For us, John was synonymous with
thoughtlessness and imbecility. You’d always pray we didn’t tag you as John John
Johnson (My friend, you don die finish!)
But not in today’s Ghana! The mere fact that you bear the
name John qualifies you to be President one day. Whoever is reading this, I command
your name to be changed to John now in the name of Jaises! Did I hear you shout
amen? Oh so, you want to be president, abi? You wan chop wana money?
Now shall we open our Ghibles, (Gh version of the Holy
Bible) and open to the gospel according to John Chapter 4 verse 1 through 4.
"And it came to pass, in the land of Sikaman, that a man of
fierce stature arose from the army. He was a man of the people. His name was
John the first. He led the army of Sikaman to victory, slaying all the generals
at the edge of his sword. Probity and accountability were his best friends. He
was a man of extraordinary beauty ( yes, beauty) and all the women wandered
after him, calling him Junior Jesus. He ruled for nearly a score. In all his
19-year old rule, he was loved by his people.
So it was, in the 19th year of his reign that a
giant rose from the middle of the nation. He was tall, dark and sexy. His eyes
were not only charming, but a sight to behold. For when he’d gazed at you, he
managed to position his eyes elsewhere. What a romantic man he was. He talked,
talked and softly he talked. The people of Sikaman fell in love with him and
made him King. His name was John the second. John the second became known in
the lands far and near. Kings and Queens sat at table with him and he was
honoured by friends and foes alike. He ruled for 8 years. In the latter years
of John the second, the people of Sikaman became increasingly religious and
they yearned for another King, one who feared God and looked humble.
There arose from among the people near the Sikaman river, a
land of plenty fish and aboodoo, not mere a man than the godson of John the
first. His name was John the third.He spoke like a child and would always say, dzi
wo fie asem, to wit, mind your own business. He was praised by his
friends. His enemies disdained him. He prays and floods recede, his friends
would say. Yet his enemies left no stone unturned in portraying him as weak, incompetent
and untrustworthy. The people suffered under his rule, while a few got all the
gold in the land. His friends had become rich and the people were becoming poorer.
His godfather had disowned him and he looked miserable. In the 3rd
year of his reign, he fell sick. His friends said he was the strongest man in
the land, yet his body and physical looks betrayed him until he died of the
sickness he and his friends so vehemently denied. It was for only 3 and half
years he ruled.
And while the people of the land of sikaman were mourning and wailing, men and
women putting on sackcloth and bathing themselves in ashes, there rose from the
demise of John the third, another John. He was the assistant of the dead king.
His name? John the fourth.”
This is the gospel according to the Johns of Ghana. Glory be
to God. Amen!
Now if you want to be president, come to The Heathen Church
at Nokofio Junction, off the Asempa
road, Dzi Wo Fie Asem, Ghana. I, Rev. Dr. Fr. Bishop, TheOnlyManOfGodAlive Samuel Ofori-Agyekum will be there to give you a special baptism and
initiation to change your name to John.
Well, lets try this out. Any numerologists around? John the
first ruled for 19 years. John the second, 8 years. John the third, 3 years. So here is your
question. For how long shall John the
fourth rule? Clue: the mathematical
formula for calculating this is N/2 -1,
where N is the number of years each predecessor ruled.
As I was writing this, the games were getting even more
interesting. John the first had risen again. His popularity was soaring and he
was moving to and fro, causing confusion in the land. He was flirting with all
potential future kings and guess what? He was seeking to dethrone John the
fourth. Why would he do that? Abeg, I no know oo. Na only him sabi.
Facebook was getting even more interesting. My own friend
and Lawyer, Rodney Nkrumah Boateng, the nephew of Uncle Woyome and a
self-styled pastor, had just returned
from church and this is what he wrote on his wall;
SundayEvening Sermon: Behold, and in the end times, strange things
shall happen in the land. Evil dwarfs shall stand tall, and babies shall grow
hard teeth. Tenants shall evict landlords. Yea, mosquitoes shall bark at dogs,
and the multitudes shall ask, 'who born dog?' Fear not, said the Lord, for i
will rip the umbrella apart and scatter her children, even unto the 4th
generation. And the elephant shall rise to the sound of trumpets, and the
people shall sing, 'ALL HAIL FREE SHS!' Amen
And there came Marc Baffoe-Bonnie;
Yea,verily,in the end
times there shall former Presidents assume the qualification of dentists,that
they shall extract sharp teeth from babies..that previously evil dwarves shall
consume growth hormones from Lance Armstrong Pharmaceuticals and become tall ,but
woe unto them for they shall be cut down and cast into outer darkness of
opposition where there is gnashing of teeth(and for those babies,gums)...
Several mosquitoes
shall bark and do body building with cement blocks,yea,but RAID with triple
killing power shall be sprayed upon then like cocoa spraying exercise,for sooth.Upon
which, said mosquitoes will return to palm wine tapping,from which they initially
sprang.Sosket!!
Soscket indeed! This
is the humor in Ghanaian politics. Just for laughs.
Ofori-Agyekum.
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