Perhaps it is a sign of how bad things have become, that a country that is blessed with an abundance of natural resources should now be seeking to tax condoms (condoms!!) to raise money towards balancing its books. One cannot help but think of a once- wealthy man who has mismanaged his wealth, to the extent that he now resorts to flogging his maidservant’s cheap trinkets in order to survive.
At first, it seemed like a cheap rumour that the opposition people were inflicting on the people, a cooked-up story to embarrass and ridicule the government. Then it turned out that this was serious stuff, and the smirk and smiles were wiped off people’s faces, to be replaced by howls of indignation and looks of incredulity. The notion of paying tax on a little bit of bedroom gymnastics sounded perverse to many, and evoked images of a wicked, sneering, nosy and wildly sadistic government intention ensuring that your little pleasure, your haven from all the gloom of the deficit, was tinged with cold financial implications. For many men, this was especially wicked, given that they are already burdened with funding dinners,jewellery, Brazilian hair, phone credit and clothes, among others, for their demanding wives, girlfriends and mistresses.
But perhaps one is a bit too hard on government. It is not disputed that we are having a crisis/challenge (choose according to your political inclination).Never mind where the money is gone-that is another discussion. But if we are in hard times, what business do people have thrusting their waists about in perverse pleasure anyway? Isn’t that selfish? Should we all not be mourning and weeping and gnashing our teeth together? How can you snort at the phrase‘Better Ghana‘ and then go off gyrating and moaning with pleasure as you hit crescendo after crescendo? Is that not unpatriotic?
And then there is the fairness o fthe tax. I mean, is sex an ‘essential commodity’? Is it one of the basic necessities of life? I know many will argue that it is. But I beg to differ. It is, only if it is to ensure procreation and the continuity of the human race.But condoms work against that very notion. If you choose to go having a good time, I suppose the government’s view is that you have to pay an extra something for the privilege. In other words,it is a tax you pay by choice, therefore the idea that it is being imposed on Ghanaians is plain wrong.
Of course, Catholic priests, monks, nuns,eunuchs, virgins (including reconditioned virgins- you know, the ones who have been saved by the blood of Jesus and are new creatures in Christ but biologically have a sexual past that would embarrass a professional whore), post-menopausal,faithful couples and the like automatically escape the tax. For them, the words‘Durex’ (in all its varieties), ‘Champion’, ‘Panther’, ‘Rough Rider’ and ‘Kiss’assume a totally different meaning. But the boyfriend/girlfriend anxious to avoid pregnancy, the randy, bed-hopping promiscuous ones (both male and female)anxious to avoid sexually-transmitted diseases, the cheaply-perfumed, scantily-dressed, over-made-up ladies of the night lurking around the Togolese Embassy roundabout and similar places, and the fertile couples anxious to avoid breeding like rats do really have an issue on their hands.
Then the NDC’s glamorous National Women’s Organiser with the exotic-sounding name, Anita De Soso, fragrantly waded into the political swamp with her moral pearls of wisdom, cheerfully announcing that the tax would regulate people’s moral behavior by controlling their devilish lustful desires. In other words, government was using tax to reach into people’s bedrooms and ensure thatthey did the right thing. Big Brother-is-watching-you kind of scenario. Why, she wanted to know, would anyone want to havesex with another person who was not their partner? She sounded as if she livedon Jupiter and the very notion was a very complex one devoid of human understanding and reality. Of course her ignorance was made even more charming by the fact that she assumed that only promiscuous people used condoms or that all promiscuous people used condoms all the time, and that by slapping on taxes, people would promptly zip up their trousers or lower their hoisted mini-skirts and give their lives to Christ. Bless her sweet soul.
If this policy is erm... startling (choosing my words carefully), itis for the pretence that it has no relationship with the rate of HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. Maybe I am not getting it, but what is the point of taxing condoms to raise extra cash and then turn around to spend cash on HIV-prevention by promoting the use of condoms, among others? I just don’t ge tit, but maybe it is because I have stayed away from the golden bubbles of myfavourite 1931 for a while.
As we were all pondering over Mama Anita’s delicious pontification, the Deputy Minister of Information & Media Relations. Murtala Mohammed, popped up and announced airily that people had got all this mixed up,and that it was only ‘luxurious’ condoms that would get taxed, and that the bland ones would be tax-free. I suppose he expected us to exhale in relief and clap for government. Ah, a social democratic government ensuring that the snotty middle class people who haughtily preferred top range, fancily–packaged condoms with watermelon, minty chocolate, banana and other exotic flavours were taxed for the privilege until they squeaked, whilst the common truck-pusher who would happily settle for a no-frills brand would not suffer the indignity of paying tax on a bit of ‘sissi mu d3w’ after a hard day’s work of pushing truck sunder the unforgiving sun. Perfectly socially democratic, non?
Of course, aside the obvious fact that the no-frills brands tend to be cheap, pathetic imitations that had been manufactured with the less-than-average-sized Far East man in mind and would come apart with the slightest exertion by the bigger-than-average-sized Africa nman ( and therefore were dangerous), there was the obvious question of what exactly ‘luxurious’ meant. This was a question the honourable Deputy Minister left hanging in the air-dense and overpowering like the nauseating stench that pervades many of Accra’s beaches. We wait with bated breath for a government White Paper on the classifications, including the formula for so determining.Then perhaps it will go through the deadbeat motions in parliament, which o fcourse will vote solely along party lines, as it does on every subject under the sun.
And so it has come to pass, that the condom, an ordinary piece of latex sheath that is bought over the pharmacy counter by many horny youth with mild embarrassment and furtive, sheepish looks, has become a political football, assuming NDC/NPP colours. All because we as a nation have blown so much cash we did not have in the first place, that we have been reduced to raiding this item that hitherto did not surface in polite conversation, just to squeeze a little money to get by.
By the way, exactly how much koraa does government expect to raise from these taxes? Will we not raise more money quicker by selling off all those ministerial V8s and replacing them with mountain bikes? Cutting the salaries and allowances of the fat cats that feed from the public purse? Trimming the excess fat off the government machinery? Now that would be a great start. But what do I know?
Me and my wet dreams…
By Rodney Nkrumah Boateng
